@Carbosly: Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
@SortaBad: A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor's house
@hippieswordfish: ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
@jacquelinehey: Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
@_Tempo11: My family's invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog's been walked 18 times
@krakkenlackin: Critics are raving about Mud. "It's like dirt but wet" says one. "Oh god it's in my eyes" says another