@Carbosly: Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
@FatherWithTwins: I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
@TheRolo: FBI: "Report anything that seems suspicious"
Citizens: "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams"
FBI: "K like not anything anything"
@LoveNLunchmeat: If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write "No DMs" in your bio.
@markedly: ME: This man's robbing me
COP: No he's not
M: He was doing it a second ago *puts robber's hand on wallet* come on why aren't you robbing now
@RorynotRoy: It's annoying how mirrors are always all like, "Hey, c'mere. I wanna show you something gross about you."