Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Who says great literature is dead?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.