Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
You Might Also Like
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”