Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You Might Also Like
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Ken is short for chicken
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy