I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.