ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.