@_mindflakes: Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
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@LMHPhotog: *bursts into room Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN Guys: Yeah sure,show us then! *holds up single kernel of corn *gets violently beaten
@SocialustGal13: My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.
@MichaelTrying: The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
@DaddyJew: Doctor: you gotta cut back on the drinking Me: but why? D:*lifts up x-ray* says here your liver has officially been sponsored by Grey Goose