Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card