Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?