Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Hank is one in a melon.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.