In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I cannot call her anything else now
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….