Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
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The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No