Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You Might Also Like
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
multitasking lunch
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.