@slimmy_shady: Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it's the cat's way of saying "What the f are you looking at?!"
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@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@HairyJew4Life: Me: Wanna go out? Her: You're not Black Me: I'm Jewish. We've been persecuted more than them. Her: ... Me: That's not why you like them?
@FrogAvalanche: *leads horse to water* "You're not gonna drink, are you?" *horse neighs* "It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth." Horse: You're not foaling me.