Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.