Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.