Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
The devil.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
meanwhile over on facebook
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table