@JohnHilsen: Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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@ImHopel3ss: Somewhere, someplace, there's a hole in the world & inside it there's a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can't find.
@TheCatWhisprer: [trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant] *harsh whisper* If you don't cut it out right now then there's nothing else I can do
@1InTheStinker: I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it Apparently, she left me a few days ago
@the_tsai_guy: People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.