[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.