Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.