@KattWillliams: Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month.
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@david8hughes: [at the aquarium] Son [pointing at a large tank]: daddy what's that Me: tank Son: no what lives in the tank Me: water
@pbear79: Therapist: What's the most meaningful connection you've made in your life? Me: You mean...other than wifi?
@ericsshadow: My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.