I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
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Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
How to woo a woman