“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
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My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Nothing to do, you say?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.