Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
October already? What’s next? November????
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
i will not be silenced
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?