If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
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[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
oh u like geography? name every lake
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Good morning, Twitter x
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.