Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
This is enough internet for the day.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: