Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
You Might Also Like
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.