Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator