Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.