@kumailn: Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for "wireless fireless." Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, "fire up the computer" etc.
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@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
@GibJimson: The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when he's not there.
@Dawn_M_: I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
@djdarrellripley: Me: Hey, look, I can't stay long, I've got a cab downstairs. Her: You took a cab? Me: I'm gonna give it back!