Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?