@AaronFullerton: Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
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@timdonakowski: Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
@simoncholland: Like on Amazon or in our house? [My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
@illuminatedwndr: the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can't tell if he's stoned, or he knows that I am
@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.