Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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12. I think about this all the damn time
Harsh but fair
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
inside you are two wolves
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Good morning, Twitter x
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Bloody internet 😳
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys