Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.