Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
british sex workers really pound for pound
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.