Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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keep reaching for the stars, kid:
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story