Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May