Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.