“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Friday night party time 🥳
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
wtf is a larm clock?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.