“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away