[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
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If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken