@therealeatwood: Did you see saw? I saw Saw. You see Saw II? I saw Saw II too. Going to see Saw IV? I didn’t see Saw III, what am I going to see Saw IV for?
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@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
@KindOfASmartass: Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10. Her: Do you want more kids? Me: Hahahahahahahaha Her: Is that a no? Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha
@KalvinMacleod: [new hire intro] BOSS: this is Jim. You've been here how long Jim? JIM: next year will be 10 years ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
@LeBearGirdle: Neighbor: can you watch my dog? Me: like through your window? N: no, I meant like- Me: cause I don't do that now N: watc- Me: okay once