[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
same energy
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…