So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit