{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.