Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Somebody’s lying.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”