Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
*bites zombie*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.