Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*