This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Story of my life…..
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]