“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.