did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.