did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.