Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist