Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.