The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Trumpy Cat
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
pls suprot
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.