Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Bike for sale
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.