@topaz_kell: [getting murdered] Me: "Could you please stop for a second?" *gives murderer a Snickers

@NotBachibawlz: Someday astronauts will land on the sun .... Im hoping they're smart enough to do this at nighttime when it's not as hot

@MuttCutts: "Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?" Oh. Yea. Good thinkin'. Can't be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

@dafloydsta: Benefits of dating me: 1. You're the smart one

@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."