Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
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You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Doctors texting each other.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
No. He’s not coming out to play
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”